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OVERCOMING
DENIAL – a few suggestions….
Overcoming
a drinker’s denial that they have an alcohol problem is often the most
difficult barrier to cross on the road to a successful outcome.
If the drinker can admit they have a problem, they can be helped and
supported. If they can’t, there
is very little anyone can do for them and the outcome is bleak. Denial
is extremely common: The
World Health Organisation classifies various medical conditions according to
sets of symptoms. Meningitis, for
example, is recognised by symptoms of high temperature, headache, stiff neck,
aversion to bright lights. According
to the World Health Organisation, one of the DEFINING SYMPTOMS of what they call
Alcohol Dependency Syndrome is DENIAL. Understanding
denial is difficult for the person who does not have a problem. Problem drinkers usually feel guilty about their drinking and
quite often try to hide the evidence. (Rather
like the child who is smoking behind the bike shed at school.)
They enjoy the sensation and the euphoria (at least in the short-term)
but don’t want to be caught and ‘punished’.
They tend to be frightened of their lack of control over their drinking
and over their lives. If they can
maintain the illusion that they don’t have a problem they don’t need to feel
the fear or strive to change their behaviour.
Perhaps the biggest fear that haunts them, deep down, is that if they try
to change they might fail …. and what then? Enclosed
you will find some sheets of information designed to support the arguments you
are presenting to the drinker. They
contain facts and evidence derived from scientific and statistical research. Whilst
we at apas believe that the attempt is well worth while, we cannot
over-emphasise the fact that the responsibility for recognising that the
drinking is causing problems remains with the drinker. It
takes an enormous amount of courage to admit that one’s drinking has got out
of control and is causing risk and problems to the self and others.
It may be that the person you are dealing with just has not reached that
point. In
a study carried out a few years ago, men and women who had previously been
dependent drinkers and were now permanently sober were asked if there was
anything anyone could have said to them whilst they were drinking that would
have made them change their behaviour. Over
ninety per cent of them said no, there was nothing anyone could have said that
would have convinced them that they had a problem or needed to change. On
the other hand, retrospective thinking is notoriously unreliable. Drinkers who do decide to change invariably cite pressure
from family, colleagues or friends as a significant factor. Our advice is to present the drinker with the evidence. If he or she cannot yet see the truth do not give up heart. One day they may gain the courage and insight to do so. You have done your best and have nothing to reproach yourself with. Meanwhile
look to yourself. You deserve a
happy and fulfilled life whatever the outcome for the drinker. Why not give apas a ring and take advantage of our
confidential counselling service. It
often helps to talk over events, feelings and options with someone who is not
directly involved and who has some experience of what you are going through. apas
and other similar services offer individual support and/or group work to family
members affected by someone’s drinking. Please
phone us for details. Our
telephone number is Lo-call 0845 7626316.
Don’t hesitate to call. Above
all, despite all the stress, tension and unhappiness that this person’s
drinking is causing you, try to look after yourself!
Don’t allow the drinker to make you feel guilty.
The problem is their responsibility, not yours. GENERAL HINTS AND GUIDELINES – on raising the issue….
Caution
– If the person you are concerned about has ever been
physically
violent towards you, it may not be safe to put any pressure on them. Contact apas or local services for advice.
The
best time to talk to the drinker is when they are completely sober. If the
If the drinker appears very resistant or becomes verbally aggressive do
not
persist
with the attempt. Verbal aggression
may precede physical aggression. Try
again on another occasion. If the
same thing happens call it a day. You
can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.
You may have tremendous feeling of anger with the drinker.
However, letting your anger show at this time may be counter-productive.
You are most likely to be successful if you can show the drinker that you
are on his/her side and that together you can overcome the problem that is
facing you both. In other words it
is you and the drinker against the alcohol, NOT
the drinker and the alcohol against you.
Do not collude with the drinking
behaviour. It is important to allow
the drinker to experience the consequences of their own drinking.
therefore, if they wet the bed, make them wash their own sheets, do not
smooth over relationships they have spoiled or pretend that they’re ill when
they’re drunk. Above all, do not
get involved in buying their drink for them or in paying their debts.
The longer they are protected from the results of their drinking, the
longer they are enabled to carry on. Sometimes
you have to be cruel to be kind.
Your attitude should be that of the iron fist in the velvet glove.
Whilst you continue to offer emotional support to the person who drinks,
you DO NOT support the drinking itself. As
soon as the person comes to admit that they have an alcohol problem and shows a
real desire to change you can give them all the help, support and encouragement
in the world. If you ring us we can
discuss with you all the options available for helping the person with their
problem.
Be brave and be realistic. You
may decide to set some sort of time limit within which you need the person to
change. Perhaps you have already
asked yourself ‘how long can I go on putting up with this?’
You should not feel guilty about this.
It is a valid question. Why
not take advantage of the confidential counselling we offer.
It sometimes helps to discuss events, feelings and options for the future
with someone who is not directly involved, but who has some experience of what
you’re going through.
If the person you are living with shows any signs of becoming violent,
take steps to ensure your own safety and that of any children as an immediate
priority. Long-term problems need
long-term solutions. It sometimes
helps to have a period of ‘time-out’ to re-assess your life and decide what
you really want. Our duty telephone
advice workers are available Mondays – Fridays, 9.00 am to 7.00 pm and
Saturdays, 9.00 am to 1.00 pm (an answering machine will record calls at other
times) if you need someone to talk to.
USING THE ‘DENIAL’ MATERIALS TO HELP – raise the issue…. The
following ideas may help you to make out your argument and express your feelings
and perceptions to the drinker. You
do not have to use them all. You
may choose to use some of them and devise others which are more relevant to the
situation you are in. Whether or
not you are successful, please ring us and let us know how things went. 1 Gather your evidence. What concerns do you and other people have bout the drinking? What problems does it cause to the drinker, to you and/or to other people? THE DRINKER MAY DENY THEIR DRINKING IS A PROBLEM TO THEM, BUT THEY CANNOT DENY IT IS CAUSING A PROBLEM TO YOU! Try to give specific examples and if possible gather together all of the people who are affected. Often several opinions carry a weight that one alone does not. Explain to the drinker what effect their behaviour has on other people and how they feel about it. 2 If the person argues that the amount they are drinking is too small to cause a problem, show them the ‘Recommended Drinking Limits’ fact sheet. Men should not be consuming more than 21 units of alcohol per week and women not more than 14. Do your homework and make sure you understand the units system. IF THE DRINKER IS CONSUMING MORE THAN THE LIMIT, THEY ARE RUNNING THE RISK OF DEVELOPING THE SORTS OF PROBLEMS OUTLINED ON THE BODY PICTURE (Item 7). They may feel fine at the moment, but they are risking their long-term health. 3 If the drinker argues that they are only drinking the same amount as other people they know, show them the ‘Who Drinks What?’ chart. This shows what proportion of men and women drink above sensible limits on a national basis. 4 If the drinker seems to be under-estimating the amount they’re drinking, use the ‘Drink Diary’ and ‘Units Ready Reckoner’ to help them to recap their previous week’s intake. They can use the second drink diary to monitor their consumption over the coming week. Often people are genuinely surprised by their intake. 5 Women drinkers should be shown the leaflet ‘Why Alcohol Has A Different Effect On Women Than Men’. If they become concerned that they may already have incurred liver damage, ask them to ring us to get advice. 6 The ‘Jellinek Curve’ is designed to show how people’s behaviour changes as they become more and more reliant on alcohol. We sometimes find that drinkers reading this are suddenly stopped in their tracks, as they recognise themselves. ‘Relief drinking’ means drinking for the relief of stress, anxiety or depression. ‘Geographical escape’ is where the drinker maintains that ‘if only we went to live in (Skegness or somewhere), everything would be alright’. 7 Read through the ‘Symptoms Of Physical Dependence On (addiction to) Alcohol’. If you think any of these apply, show them to the person you are concerned about. People who are physically dependent will probably need medical help with their problem. Ring us for advice or ask the drinker to contact their GP. IF THE DRINKER SHOWS NO SIGNS OF PHYSICAL DEPENDENCE, THIS DOES NOT MEAN THEY DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM. 8 Read through DENIAL – things drinkers say…. If you recognise a phrase the drinker in your life commonly uses, show them the sheet and try to discuss with them the reasons why people find it difficult to acknowledge they have a problem, 9 ‘The Toll of Alcohol Misuse’ may be useful in identifying the possible causes of some of the medical symptoms the drinker may have. 10 The article entitled ‘Problem Drinkers and Their Families’ which follows is intended to have two uses. First it is for you to read for yourself, to get some idea of how your experiences and those of any children involved may compare with those of other people. Hopefully it may help you feel less alone to know that other families have similar experiences. It’s second function is for you to invite the drinker to consider the effects drinking commonly has on families. If your partner’s or relative’s drinking is having a similar effect on your family, they may find it impossible to avoid recognising and admitting what is really going on. |