DENIAL – things drinkers say....

Denial takes many forms, all are symptomatic of an intention to avoid tackling the problem some involve deception, some involve self-deception.  Generally they contain a manipulation or distortion of reality.

Refusal to admit there’s a problem

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about, I haven’t got a problem’. ‘I’m not an alcoholic!’ ‘I don’t need a drink.’  ‘I don’t drink every day!”

This is the commonest form of denial, if the person doesn’t have a problem, they don’t need to solve it, do they?  They can just carry on doing what they want to.  The ‘alcoholic’ argument is a red herring.  Can the drinker define what an alcoholic is?  The vast majority of problem drinkers are in employment and bear little resemblance to the stereotype of people living in cardboard boxes under bridges.  If the drinking causes problems to the drinker OR TO ANYONE ELSE, then it is problem drinking.  If it isn’t nipped in the bud it is likely to get worse.

Hostility

‘You’re always on my back, why don’t you leave me alone? etc etc’.

This puts the other person in the wrong and is an attempt to make them feel guilty so that they won’t pursue the matter.  The hidden message is ‘carry on like this and it will end in an almighty row!’  If there is an almighty row the drinker might then just use it as an excuse to get drunk.  Indeed, some drinkers provoke rows precisely in order to give them an excuse.  (See next two entries.)

Verbal and/or physical aggression

(Raised voice, hurled insults, belittling, undermining or humiliating accusations.)

This type of intimidation puts an end to effective communication and serves to protect the drinker from any probing into their problem or its consequences.

Refusal to own the problem

‘You’ve got the problem, you can’t stand to see other people enjoying themselves, you drive me to it (followed by a catalogue of fault-finding)’.

Hopeless self-pity

‘Okay, I admit I’ve got a problem, but I’m such a miserable worm that I’m not worth the effort of saving’ (i.e. leave me to drink in peace).

The Frank Sinatra Form

‘Okay, I admit I’ve got a problem, but leave me alone and I’ll solve it my way’.

This is a fairly common response but it indicates a degree of self-deception.  Very few people manage to solve alcohol problems without outside help.

Reproachful silence

This enables the drinker to retain their dignity whilst avoiding honest and open discussion.

Recourse to dubious authority

‘All my mates drink life (more than) I do.  Those sensible limits are just for wimps (dreamed up by kill-joys)’.

This is an argument often used by men who spend a lot of time in pubs.  Of course, if you go to places where heavy drinkers congregate, you will find a lot of heavy drinkers.  In fact only 6% of men drink more than 50 units per week.

People who use this argument cannot think of a way of justifying their own behaviour so they seek to justify the behaviour of other people and then claim kinship with them.

Manipulation

‘are you calling my mates alcoholics?’

            or

‘if you were any kind of wife (husband) you’d go and fetch me a bottle of wine.  That’s not much to ask is it?’

Any tactics may be used, flattery, guilt, emotional blackmail, isolation etc.

Broken promises

‘It’ll never happen again’ x 1000.

The answer to this is ‘Why, what’s changed?’  It is recommended that you don’t wait till the 1000^th time before you seek outside help.